I've been writing a lot about love and hurt lately. I've been thinking a hell of a lot about it also.
There are so many different types of love. This has been pointed out to me so much and I've always known it. It's just... I've felt as though I need to guard against using the word in any other context than that mind-smashing relationship kind of situation. Keep it from being overused. Keep it sacred in a way, so that it's meaning for me stays powerful.
That said, and all my talk of reluctance to use the word, I've done the opposite this week. I have accepted the multiple levels of the word, and I have been able to accept that I'm going to feel it in many ways, too. It's been such an up and down week, but I think the overall conclusion is that I can love deeply and express it in a completely different way to the experience I've had before. It does not change the integrity of that experience, it's just different.
I'm at a very confusing place in my mind. Nothing seems clear. A year ago I went through a break-up that tore me to pieces. It changed me almost as much as the relationship that ended had changed my life. I came out in that relationship and having it end left me feeling stranded and unsure of my status as a person. I hid from that through work. I busted my butt at my job and became a great reliable worker. I sat at home with no phone and a barely functioning fireplace and then started going out on weekends - meeting people, making new friends. Redefining myself as someone who exists a sole entity, rather than with a partner. I started blogging. All that stuff is positive.
But at this point in time I'm fighting to keep that clarity I worked for. My mind isn't clear. I think that the time of year and the change in weather have a little to do with the lack of positivity. I'm working hard and trying to push it all out again and partying hard when I get the chance, but as for staying happy... I just can't seem to get my head above the water some days.
Forgive me if I don't make sense. How can I be clear about something I feel so confused about?
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6 comments:
It changed me almost as much as the relationship that ended had changed my life. ... that's beautiful. I'm really feelin that.
I'd love to know more about that relationship, a portrait of how it worked and didn't work and what happened. mostly out of a voyeristic curiosity, also because you're hinting at all you learned and I'd love to learn vicariously through you. :)
and, well, that said ... best of luck in the fight to keep the clarity you've worked for. the act of redefining onesself is huge, and serious, and I have no doubt takes a lot of maintenance.
Love is definately a life altering event. Having been with my current partner for almost 5 years now I know how intense the love between two women can be. Hope you're able to find peace with it all soon. :-)
Sinclair: There's been so much learning and growing, I haven't written so much about it because it's difficult to formalise.
I'm working toward being able to write about the relationship itself... There's so much that is unresolved in it that I end up confusing myself when I think about it and try to analyse it.
One day soon. And voyeuristic curiosity is okay - it's a thing I love about being a blogger. You get glimpses of people's lives. Feel for them, become close without ever touching. It's an amazing world.
Jade: Welcome! Congratulations on your love and current relationship. That's awesome to hear.
One day I will find peace with the current issues, but I'm sure that by then there will be a whole new set. At least I'm beginning to see life as series of events that bulid me constantly as a person.
Love fucks you up, Groover.
Enjoy it, but make sure you don't let it change the essential you.
If she's fallen for the übercool bass playing, hard working Groover, make damned sure you stay that way. She may not like the sappy love-struck version.
I so want it to happen for you but take care mate.
Dive, I'm not sappy and love-struck! I'm pensive and somewhat angry...
But still grooving.
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