Blogging for sex education...

I put my hand up for this without a clear idea of what is really expected here. Change? I don’t know.
The best way for me to relate what I think is lacking in this area is to tell my story.

I’ve always been attracted to women. I have not always had the capability of recognising myself as a lesbian. This came a lot later.

We didn’t really get taught about same sex relationships at all at school. We briefly touched on gay sex during sex education. The only reference to lesbian sex that I remember encountering was discussing what the hell a dental dam was. Mainly there was discussion of sex between men in relation to the transmission of AIDS. That it is possible to have a loving, fulfilling same sex relationship was never mentioned.

I’ve always found it difficult to relate to my parents when it comes to personal discussion. Mainly we talk about the weather and what has been happening recently when we talk. We talk often, but not about the personal stuff. They aren’t exactly opposed to me being lesbian, but they do not provide much support. There is a level of disdain toward the gay community, that I especially feel from my father, which led me to hide my feelings so much that I did not recognise them for what they were.

I was in a relationship with a man who I still love as a close friend for five years before meeting the girl that I came out for. I was extremely close to marrying him, with no clear idea what love was actually meant to be. I often thought, well… I guess this is what life is going to be, then. I left him out of the blue for this girl. I don’t think that I ever would have had the guts to do this – except that she told she’d die without me. This appealed to my sense of chivalry so much that I just up and left. I left a horrible mess which I still am appalled to know that I created. I knew no other way at the time, and spent a lot of time and emotional effort trying to explain the shit that I’d dumped onto this poor man.

I remember clearly that first night that I called her and said that I needed her to pick me up and drive me away from the home I had with this man. We talked about what the hell we were going to do with our relationship – this covert thing that we thought wasn’t going to be accepted because we didn’t know any better. We decided that we couldn’t touch in public. We would let our close friends know and that would be it. I thought that I’d let myself in for a life where I was going to lose everything I had. Except for her.

We were met generally with acceptance from our friends. Support. I was overwhelmed. Nobody seemed to care about this thing that I’d been brought up through ignorance to think was indecent and should be hidden. These friends helped me to celebrate myself through her, they stood there at our engagement and knew that there was love.

I know very clearly now that without the catalyst of her I would be still in the relationship with the man I loved in a very different way. I could never have come out on my own. I may be strong as a person now, but not then. Not without this lifetime of self-exploration I’ve put myself through in such a small amount of time. I was full of self-doubt and ignorance.

After a messy, soul-destroying break-up with her was when I really got to know my first other lesbian friends. Before spending time with them I had no idea how to deal with myself, with the pain, with the question my straight friends were asking me. Does this mean you’re still gay? I had no idea. I just threw myself into work and sat in my empty house with no phone and stuff all belongings not knowing how to cope. This couple I got to know, they’ve been together ten years. They helped me through and I’m eternally grateful. They were the education I never had regarding loving relationships and self-acceptance as a lesbian. I learned so much from them in such a short time. How could I have been through two years of loving relationship and come out the other side knowing so little? I guess she was my life and the only thing I felt I needed to know in that time was her. I was so unprepared.