Saturday, October 13, 2007

What is my space?

I have a bedroom that technically nobody is allowed to enter without invitation.

My bedside tables are these two huge speakers that I scored at a garage sale for ten dollars years ago. I've dragged them from house to house where they've been used as shelves, plant stands and only once before now as their actual intent. I've hooked them up and finally they serve as speakers as well as bedside tables - they're such a me thing. And loud! Hell yes. I can shut myself in there and the entire room becomes my theatre.

The bed is covered in a sheet set that I am still coming to grips with the girliness of. It's pretty, but... I just want suave. Dark sheets to set off the wood grain in the bedhead. However the pretty silken set is a light blue with cool copper and silver embroidery which I kind of like on some level. They're just not suave. I want to wrap myself in dark sheets and pillows rather than these ones that I blend with and pale between.

I have candles lining the top of the bedhead and bedside tables. Actually not the entire way across the bedhead - because I like to light them and sit there and read by the candlelight. It's not a particularly good idea to have your head near a flame when you're trying to relax, so I don't have them on my side.

I tried to set this room up to be a den of sensuality. An extension of myself where I felt comfortable, sexy and confident. And the fact is, I'm beginning to hate this space. It represents a failure to the intent. I bought a new bed to fit it. Since that purchase I have not had sex in my room at all. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times I've had sex in this house and still have fingers left over.

No, sex is not everything. But my bedroom feels like a complete and utter failure. It isn't a space I enjoy. In fact I'm hating my entire house. I can't keep on top of the cleaning. The kitchen is a bitch and the bathroom is not a place I want to spend any time. My studio is a box that barely fits me and my instruments let alone the flow of students that occupy it part time.

I need my own space. My own confident space. An entire house of it.
A room with a view of the city.
My guitars in my loungeroom with no worry of a drunken thoughtless idiot destroying them.
Leftovers for days on end, because I always cook too much.
Walking around with no top on, because I love to.
My art on the walls.
Music to wake up to in the morning.
Practising one bar for hours on end without guilt.
A place where I could spend time with someone I want to and not have the rest of the world talking about it, or wanting to be part of it.
My space.

4 comments:

Iota said...

I have my space. Well, I'm letting someone share it at the moment... but it is mine. And all bar one room have my stuff there. But it doesn't stop gossip. I had a friend stay here earlier this week and it took less than 3 hours after she had left for at least one person to assume we were shagging. Pfft. But I know what you mean, I certainly do. And I would like somewhere else that fits me better. This unit has always meant to have been a very temporary thing and so I have taken no pride in it... Maybe it's time I started looking elsewhere again. Ahhh. I guess we both have that little financial issue thou.

DB said...

Hmm... sounds like you need to start looking for a new place all your own.

Exciting!

dive said...

Vic, I only managed that when I hit forty.
But it was definitely worth the wait.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the space post and echoing my own sentiments, "Who the fuck do i have to kill to have my own space."
The bedroom isn't a failure, especially if it is thought of as a place where someone wnats to have sex with you and i have it on good authority that that is definately the case.
When I am feeling hemmed in I put on Queens "I want to break free" and scream it from the top of my lungs. Usually clears the room and they all get the hint to leave me in my space for a while.