Thursday, November 22, 2007

I will be okay.

Last night I ate Gayman's dinner.
I ate chocolate, too.
Gayman cooked me more dinner.
I munched my way through the last of a bag of corn chips.
I was still hungry.
Not good. Notgoodnotgoodnotgood.

Today I feel sick to the stomach.

My breath catches in my chest before I get it.
Stop. Breathe out, try again.

I look at my hands as I am working and they are pale and shaking.
Dammit.
Not good.


The image that occurs in stress situations lately - the knife in the side of my throat - is becoming more clear, more defined. What was once hazy flashes is gaining solidarity.
At least it is better than the one in the chest you used to have, Vic.

I say goodbye to some of my most favourite students today. I should be excited about moving on... but I am so scared about facing this today that I want to curl up in a mound of bedding and cry myself back to sleep. I want to be held, more than anything.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aw.... I know, gaymans dinner is like pure anorexia.

Get well soon <3 x

dive said...

I was watching a wildlife programme a few days back, Vic.
There were this eagle chick about to leave the nest.
It looked just like you sound.
Boy, you should have seen that sucker soar the next day!
You'll get through this, Groover. The world's out there waiting for you to kick its ass.

Katherine Buckley said...

I'm sure it was a tough day but am I also sure you did it well. Think of it as moving through a door frame - you are exiting a room, a room you know well and one you get bored of occassionally. As you hesitate in the doorway take time to breathe and recognise the transition to the new room. You can see it but you are not sure what it will be like yet until you get there. Being in the the doorway is an interesting place because you are at a point when you can look back on the old room and all it holds as well as seeing the new room and all it can hold. Try to enjoy it - transition, movement is always scarey but it is healthy as well. You can do this and you can take all of the memories, the people, the experiences you have had with you - that is the great thing; by moving you never loose you get to take what you have had with you and you get to experience new things. All will be well.