A woman came into the fruit shop I work in this morning. She's a regular customer, but I've always viewed her as a bit of a social weirdo. She has difficulty speaking, and always appears taken aback when I ask her how she is.
Today I was wearing something different to the unnoficial uniform of black collared polo shirt. This woman, normally quiet, decided to point out that she liked my blouse. I thanked her, but it started me thinking - why? This is probably an innocent comment from a socially awkward lady, but I have known others in the past who consciously try to nurture me into dressing in a more feminine way. They tell me things like hey you look good like that and you should dress that way more often. I go out in something vaguely feminine and suddenly it's a trait in me that has to be nurtured, like there's a glimmer of hope for my poor poor misguided soul.
Why? Why should I dress that way more often? I don't like to. It is very rare that I will dress in a feminine way and like it. Sometimes I will, for something special - as much as somebody might keep that tuxedo in the back of the cupboard and pull it out every now and then, for something special. I put on jeans and a collared shirt and to me, I look like Vic. I'm comfortable. I am not a being who has strayed of the path and needs to be retrieved. Expressing masculinity is not a bad thing. It is not an error in my ways. It is simply the best way for me to feel comfortable as Vic. It seems that because I possess the bits that define me as female I'm expected to behave within some socially defined set of parameters for that gender.
I am not a rescue case from the "dark side" of masculinity.
I have fought so fucking hard to accept myself and allow myself to express who I am externally. I've fought through all those layers of social expectation that have been woven into my life since birth.
I don't to fight any longer, I just want to be me.
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7 comments:
Woo back hun.... i don't like to be told what i should and should not wear either... but: If someone is complimenting an item of clothing you are wearing i think it is more of a reflection on them than on you... As for saying thank yo when someone does do this... I do it too... but i don't know why. I didn't make or design the fucking thing... and why should i thank someone for their opinion of it? Am I to assume that they have "good" taste? Just a thought...
yeah... I say that kinda crap all the time, like it just comes out and later I say to myself, "WTF, Miss A? You were totally reinforcing compulsory femininity when you said that!" but then it's too late :(
Damned right, Vic.
Why should you have to dress like a girlie, or indeed like a bloke.
Dress how the hell you want.
You're you.
Sheet; have you seen golfers, fer Chrissakes?
See what happens when we talk about THAT subject.
Its now officially off limits.
As to the obviously vicious, came in just to ruin your day on purpose bitch who made the nasty, totally uncalled for comment that you looked nice in a blouse - well god damn girl, how fucking rude, to say that she thought you looked nice........
?????????????????
As for thanking her, well why shouldn't you? She was just saying she thought you looked nice today.
Far better than some of the rude people you have to deal with in retail.
She is not to know that you wish to be the all encompassing boy. You do not wear a sign around your neck that says "My name is Vic and I loathe everything about femininity so just fuck off and don't compliment me." so how are hapless old ladies supposed to know that?
You need to chill out babe, not everything is a silent or overt attack against your decision to be you.
Loves ya xox
Insatiable - Social niceties are why we say these thankyou. You're right about the comment being a reflection on them, but does that reflect the expectation that I should appear more feminine just because I've got the bits?
Ms. Avarice - I say that sort of thing also, and I think it's important to compliment others as part of being a nice person. However, like you say, there is the idea of "compulsory femininity". How many people think to comment that my suit jacket looks good?
Dive - I know that attitude... let me think... can I categorise you? Yes, dammit. You must be a muso! The most accepting bunch on the planet.
Kate - I did not say I shouldn't thank the woman. In fact I wouldn't dream of not thanking her, because that would be rude, and especially while working, totally unacceptable. We all know about arseholes in retail and she isn't one of them. This particular woman needs a medal pinned on her for actually coming out of her shell enough to talk to me.
My name is Vic and I loathe everything about femininity so just fuck off and don't compliment me.... I don't loathe everything about femininity. Not at all. I just choose to express my masculine side more often and hate that I get treated as though that is a trait I should hide, or just not have altogether.
The hardest to person to get to accept "me" is myself. Chilling out is a good idea, yes. I know that not everything is a silent or overt attack against my decision to be me. However how much support of that decision do I really feel sometimes? Remember, I am in a town where people took a wide berth of me and a few other musos who were dressed as punks for a musical - because we looked scary and different. Social acceptance is not essential, but it makes life a hell of a lot easier.
Loves ya too. xo
"I don't to fight any longer, I just want to be me."
Very well said...
I found myself reading this through without scrolling down to see how much more of the entry there was.
Well done and well said, it actually sort of reminded me of a post I'd written. It was about people saying "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend" as if having one would make me complete! Ugh...ninnies!
I'll be back! :)
www.jackquelinelou.com
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