Love. This word scares the pants off me. It carries so much weight with me that I don’t believe I can commit to saying it with being entirely certain of my feelings. Otherwise it’s a lie and I don’t like doing that.
I find it difficult to tell my family that I love them. I don’t often at all. I tell my sister that I love her but usually in response to her saying love you, mate. It drags an automatic response from me of love you too. But I never think to say it. I tend to reserve that word for intense, life changing feelings. A feeling where I give myself entirely to another person. For life. I felt it truly once. It got shat on royally and now I feel as if I cannot say it ever again. As if I won’t, but also that I don’t want to. I think I’ll lock that one away for a while and let it mature with time. It’ll come out again, maybe. But it will have a completely different flavour – probably a lot more subtlety and complexity.
Writing this and reading what I’ve got so far makes me think I’m coming across as a heartless shit. This is not what I am. I guess I love my friends and family and anyone and everyone I meet that has a decent heart (and even those who don’t – there’s got to be something in everyone, you just might have to dig sometimes). But not in a way that I can say the word. I even find it difficult to type here. Love. I can do it. But saying it, typing it…. It feels almost like a betrayal. A covert dirtiness that I shouldn’t do. Lying.
Maybe I should adopt a word that describes the feeling of wanting to do anything for someone when it isn’t love in that intense, soul smashing sense. Any suggestions?
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- Vic
- I'm an All-Purpose Groover. A laid-back guitarist, bassist and teacher. A percussionist. I'm an ecletic mix of interests that occasionally combine into a coherent thought process. Unless I have a hangover.
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6 comments:
Now if ever there was a thought provoking question, thats got to be it.
Once you've said it you can't take it back thereby giving all of the power to the receiver to then shatter you completely.
And there are so many connotations to the word. Theres "I love you" which can be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you and then theres "I love you to" which as you said can be a guilt response because someone put you in a situation where you feel you have to reciprocate. I do the swayze response and say ditto.
Having recently been sacraficed at the altar of having said that word I can so relate. Put it this way, i look good for someone whoose existence has been recently shattered across the universe.
Because the word has different degree's of meaning it should come with its own disclaimer.
"I love you right now doesn't mean I always will" is a phrase that should be inserted into wedding vows these days.
Just because I love salt and pepper squid doesn't mean I won't order something else next week.
"Love" sits smugly at the top of the emotive word list. Then theres a great wopping fall back to "like".
There should be some in between word, just one word that descibes that almost there but not quite, can i think it over time in everyones life.
I've yet to find a satisfying answer to this missing emote so to speak.
Mmmmm, Th' Cap'n has been given quite th'challenge; will sail a bit an' get back t'ye on th' "word".
So happy ye be back, Me Groover.
I don't know. I can certainly understand where you're coming from. It is a seriously powerful word with so much baggage that comes pre-attached.
But still I have hope. I know I'm young and ever the optimist, but still I'd like to think that there is SOMEONE out there I could truly love...maybe even forever. I'll admit I don't think it's my current girlfriend, but that's a whole other story.
Peace out!
Kari
you wrote: I think I’ll lock that one away for a while and let it mature with time. It’ll come out again, maybe. But it will have a completely different flavour – probably a lot more subtlety and complexity.
that's smart, I think. no need to throw the word/phrase/feeling around lightly.
I really like the idea of reclaiming/redefining a word to stand in for it. and I mean, when we think about it, how do you define "love" anyway? english is a little short on its definitions and ideas surrounding romantic love, friendship love, motherly love, brotherly love, etc etc ...
oh man. I have lots of ideas about this, it's got my head going. something I've thought about a bit actually. I hope you keep exploring it, it seems really important.
If a whole community can reclaim the word "dyke" you certainly can put "love" away for awhile until you can reclaim it in the vein in which you intend it to be used.
I myself just tend to hug and kiss those I adore.
oxoxo
nina
Hmmm Me thinks... there are many loves in our life and we love different people in different ways. We just have to believe when we find the right one that it will be bigger than words. Love is after all just a word. Sooooo my suggestion would be that when that special feeling that is oh to big for words reappears - and believe me you won't be in control of when it will - and when there are not enough words to describe what you are feeling then you should make up a word that is yours and theirs to epitomise what you have.
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