I'm twenty-eight and I have wrinkles. I have only just realised this. It disappoints me more than scares me. Yet another failure in life. I haven't looked after my skin by lathering it in girly products that I have avoided due to lack of knowledge and pure fright at how much you have to do to "stay pretty". I'm not pretty, never have been. So no hope there.
I work in a bloke's world, but I still have to get driven to a toilet if I am in a remote location, because no matter how blokey I may come across at work, I still have to squat to piss.
I won't have children. I don't really like the idea of me raising a child in a gay relationship. Round of applause for those who do, but it isn't for me. So knock out being a mother. Besides, I'm happily in a situation where that will never be an option.
I make friends with a woman and the assumption is that I'm after that woman. I make friends with a man and the assumption is that he must want to turn me. It seems that my desire to spend the rest of my life with a partner of the same gender has intruded upon my ability to make friends. When did life become all about sex? I don't want a fuck. I want tenderness. Seperate from work, seperate from a social life, but privately intertwined into my being and everything I do.
The woman I love has just told me that I will never be able to make her feel safe. Only a man can do that.
So I'm stuck in limbo. I'm not a man. I'm not feminine. I'm neither and I'm nobody. Because I don't grandstand my past or present actions it looks like I've got nothing to offer except a few photographs and experiences that yes, you can read about online. I'm pixels arranged on a screen. A genome sequence of zeros and ones. The Binary Being.
Perhaps you can take those dots, that arrangement of zeros and ones, and arrange them so that they represent somebody who lives, breathes, sometimes laughs with happiness flowing through her entire body, and today.... hurts like all hell.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
OH wow! I'm so sorry she feels that way... I've never felt safer than I do now with my butch.
Is your partner bi? That seems like such a random, hurtful thing to say to someone!
I'm so sorry your hurting today.
One thing that did catch my attention about this post: " I don't really like the idea of me raising a child in a gay relationship"
Would you be ok with it if you were straight do you think?
I'm totally intrigued.
Vic, you are so much more than all of that (and you'll know it when you feel less crappy).
And hey; here's a man who doesn't want to "turn" you. I want to be WITH you (kinda hard at this distance) and share laughs, music and bloody good times but that's because I really like you, not because I fancy you.
More than anything (and one day I'll save enough groats to make this happen) I just want to set up in a room with you and a couple of other musicians and get down and groove together.
Always remember:
You are You! You are unique, amazingly talented, and hold enough strength inside and outside to protect the one you love at any given time.
Oh .. I love your blog, been a reader for awhile now .. but this post sparked an immediate response ..
Me
The crazy Canadian
You are my sister and Jasmine's aunty. You make me laugh and you make her smile. I Love You and would do ANYTHING to make you happy; as you deserve to be.
Who wants to be pretty and preppy anyway? Life is too short to put on foundation three times a day.
Im friends with you because you're a genuine being.
"... I don't grandstand my past or present actions it looks like I've got nothing to offer except a few photographs and experiences..."
...Experience, for me, is called living life.
So for you, the Comp Sci freak (among other things),im going to conclude in binary ASCII:
01001001001000000110111001
1001010111011001100101011
1001000100000011011100110
11110111010001101001011000110
110010101100100001000000111010
001101000011001010010000001110
1110111001001101001011011100110
1011011011000110010101110011001
01110
let me start by saying i'm so happy you're blogging again...
my gf's worst nightmare for so long was that i'd leave her for a man. not in a million years. i'm so sorry that the woman you love said that -- to me it sounds like random cruelty, though i realize that's just my perspective.
i had wrinkles across my forehead at 16, and plenty more now at 30. but now i think they are beautiful, and i think yours are beautiful too. sometimes i feel like i'll get in trouble for using that word to describe the more masculine female-bodied persons in my life, but it's how i truly feel. beauty doesn't have to be ribbons and bows and frills.
xx FG
Lets put this random cruel comment into perspective shall we.
We were talking about a friend of mine and yes his hugs always make me feel safe and warm and secure. You took exception to this because no I don’t think a woman can give me the same kind of feeling. I’m not a lesbian, I don’t subscribe to theory that a butch woman will ever be anything like a man. And to be utterly clear I also stated that no one else male or female gives me that feeling quite like my friends hugs.
And before the assembled lesbians jump all over me in defence of you lets get a few other things straight. Yes I am bi, I’ll never be a lesbian and you’ve always known this. I’m also married and live with my husband. Vic lives with us. Last year I met a vital intelligent fun woman who was musical and great to be with. At Christmas she was lost and could no longer live in her toxic environment. I care about her and so told her if she was so unhappy to get out of there and she could come and live with us.
In the last ten months I’ve watched you go from happy to morose. You refuse to get the proper help for this, and even when you do you refuse to move on and let things go. You refuse to continue with your medication, you let it run out and then mope around. You refuse to be proactive about your own life.
You isolate yourself and you mope over a girl who was never worth it, a relationship that ended years ago that you refuse to get over. And you blame everyone else for not constantly coming to you and spending time with you and your self enforced misery.
I am battling my own demons with my diagnosis of bi polar, I’m struggling to sit back up after a bout of post traumatic stress disorder caused by the work that I used to do. Why would I subject myself to your dark moods and your constant temper tantrums? I can’t wave a magic wand and make your life better.
You no longer want to play your music or get involved with a band or even go out and make new friend’s. You sit in isolation and blame everyone else for it. You try things once and you quit. You refuse to go and see your friend’s, you have million excuses why it’s poor Vic.
I have tried everything to bring you back to the person that you were to no avail. If you continue to live like this, blaming everyone else for your state of mind the road to healing yourself and becoming that happy person will take longer. I can do nothing about this.
And anyone that wants to criticise and call me uncaring, well, walk in my shoes for a day.
I'd get out of there with your guitar and go play under a tree and catch some rays of sun and think about what is best for you and what would make you happy.
BB
X
hmmmm....bass grrl it seems that a dose of icepick,superstarsinger and pork rind(his daddy named him that) will arrive just in time to pull you out of doom and gloom? Remember there is always a bright side of the dark side.....you can help me persuade icepick that thre is no suitable lyric content in any manson song for me to walk down the aisle to!
Post a Comment