Old emails

I looked through my sent items box. Here is a gem I didn't remember saying at all:

Test email to an extremely computer illiterate friend after setting up a hotmail account for him...

From: Vic
Subject: Hey Fucknut

If you get this your email works.

Have a free penis enlargement. And some Viagra. And a University degree.

Just-a-news-article

Pearls of wisdom for audience members

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a few bars! We musicians have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we tell you that we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims not to know your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a
monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law.

Feel free to yell AC/DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected
by their instrument, & only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is in the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream
your request & be sure to overemphasise the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound & the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine
played out of tempo.

Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will take this as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

It's all in the name

Excerpt from a reply to an email I recieved from a colleague addressed to "Vicky"

...[blah, snip]...
And now for something completely different... I prefer to be called Vic, VB or plain Victoria if you want to be formal about it. Simple reason, picture me - do I really look like a Vicky type person?

But I'll settle for Groover.

I was going to post about something else, but...

OkCupid! lovingly sent me another list of new people in my area! that are actually nowhere near me. But I read them anyway, as you do, and came across this little gem:

"headjobs. its like, my natural, like talent! My Mum says that if there was a competition for BEST HEADJOBS she would enter me in one straight away."

Like, I don't like, know or anything, but like, isn't there like, something really like wrong here?