Getting the shits with the toilet roll

[figure 1: Creation]

In 1879 Scott produced the first roll of toilet paper. It began. It was in the nature or the thing: in order for any cylindrical object to remain in the same position while spinning – and in this case, dispensing - the cylindrical object requires an axle. Thus was born the need for the toilet roll holder.

The simple modern-day form of this can be found as a wall-mounted bracket with two ends of wire protruding from it. The wire ends are bent to the horizontal and inserted either end of a REMOVEABLE cylindrical barrel. The barrel is the axle for the toilet roll to be inserted upon, and dispense freely as required.


[figure 2: Essential parts of the simple toilet roll holder, as drawn by Vic, with a shaky finger and a stupid little touchpad. Round of applause, please. It took me a half hour to get that far.]

It’s not rocket science. It’s simplicity. If there are replacement rolls available within reach, changing the empty one from the barrel and replacing it with a new on is a simple operation that takes approximately ten seconds. It’s something to occupy the time while you’re taking a shit.

Where I am staying – a workers’ camp of about a hundred blokes and six females – there are communal segregated toilets. Between six females, it seems that I am the only one who understands the nature of the axle in the setup, and the fact that it is REMOVEABLE. The replacement rolls are stored on top of the cistern, and replenished by the cleaners daily. It takes an acrobatic manoeuvre to reach around and grab the next roll, and I believe that the female population in the camp must be made entirely of contortionists. Not only do they reach around and grab the next roll, they start it and put it back where they got it! Often this continues for three quarters of the roll. You’d rather twist yourself into a weird position while your pants are around your ankles and your arse is hanging out than put the next roll on the barrel?

It seems that every time I go in there, I replace the roll, and that’s on the women’s side. Christ knows what happens on the men’s side. There’s probably cobwebs around all the roll holders.

All the workers have to watch an induction video before being allowed to go on the orchard. Simple stuff such as wear a hat and shoes, and how to use a ladder safely. There should be second video for the workers who choose to stay in the camp: How to Live Communally: Toilet Roll Replacement 101.