On Public Health

Yesterday started with a morning fart. I doesn't often happen, but when I'm alone in bed it's fairly soothing to roll over onto my back and let out the ripper that's been brewing. But wait, there was more... I had to choke it off very quickly as the possibility of the worst of all fart-related things became evident - the follow-through. So at 5am I am making a dash to the bathroom with my cheeks clenched and my face drained of all colour.

This continues with amazing regularity. Then I start to vomit. Being a reasonably terrible binge boozer (this is definitely not a factor in this particular illness) I have a mental list of the absolute worst things to vomit. Bread and eggs have been the winners for years, but yesterday saw a new entrant blitz the ranks and come straight out at the top. Camembert. How much did I regret that snack before bed?

So by 11am I have a bucket beside the bed and I can barely move anymore. I gave in and called a friend to take me to the hospital.

It was about an hour and a half wait, which I thought would be longer. The waiting room has about twenty chairs that are plastic moulded seats joined together on bars. Try sitting on those suckers when all you think you can do is lay down and die. So I curled up on the floor. Finally they noticed me there and offered me a bed.

Eventually I was told that I needed to be put on a drip to replace my fluid. So I lay there going in and out of consciousness for a while. I recall waking up at one point extremely embarrassed that I'd drooled on the pillow, but most of it's a haze.

The amazing thing, though, is that I didn't have to fork out for this. I mean, you get hit in your taxes, but on the day I didn't have to pay a thing. I think that's fantastic. In the scheme of things, getting a litre of fluid pumped into your veins and having people look after you isn't that big a deal, but it still all costs money. I am amazed. What a great thing.

Quote of the Day

"Vic is better than sleep."

Oh cute. Insert warm fuzzy feeling.

As promised, another fucking meme.

Yesterday's one-word meme was hard. I hate not being able to explain myself (yes, I'm doing it now, I know). So I decided that there has to be a longer version to the questions.

So the new constraint is: answer the questions (well, elaborate on the previous answers) in five sentences. No more, no less.

Since there's thirty-four questions I decided to pick out seven. I don't have the available time or attention span to write five sentences about thirty-four things. Randomly with no memory of what questions were on the thing at all, I picked seven numbers and wrote them down, just for fun. They are my questions to talk about, no matter what.

17. One of your wish list items: dick
I'm embracing a boyish identity. I've always been pretty masculine and frankly I want a dick. This doesn't mean I want one full time, but I'd like the option. I want to be able to present myself as male (depending a lot on the social situation). And no, it isn't because I want to pee standing up.

4. Your mother/stepmother: indifferent
Indifferent isn't the right word to describe her. It's my feeling toward her at this point. She rings up to talk about the weather. She very rarely discusses feelings or encourages discussion of feelings. When she expresses disapproval it can be very overpowering so mostly I'd rather stay away.

29. What are you doing at the moment?: breathing
When you strip it down to basics, you're either breathing or you're not. I'm not dead. I'm not being cremated as I blog, and I'm certainly not burning in hell for the multitude of sins I have committed. All systems seem to be fuctioning normally, so I'm not complaining. What a shit of a question.

25. Your mood: horny
All this exploring identity stuff has led me to be more aware, but also more intrigued by, my sexuality and gender definitions. I think about presenting myself as male and dammit if it doesn't make me horny. I think about having a dick and dammit, I'm still horny. The frequency of horniness has been escalating lately into an almost constant hum. Apart from the frustration, this may be a good thing.

3. Your hair: hathair
I used to wear a cap everywhere. I'm not as big a fan of them now, since I actually like the way my hair is these days and don't feel I have to hide it. Since the morning job involves food, I get to wear a cool black and purple cap. I'm one of those people that caps work well on, so I don't mind at all. Until I have to take it off.

8. Your favorite drink: beer
Last Friday evening I ambled out onto my front porch with a stubbie in my hand. I had a blue trucker singlet on and a pair of jeans. Gayman and a few other friends were there. One friend just looked at me and said Oh my god, butch moment number thirty-six!. So Gayman pipes up with (in typical snide Gayman fashion) - Yeah, in the last hour!

11.
This is a pearler. How many of us who've done this meme realised that there was no number eleven? How reliant on copy and paste have we all become? I know that was all I did, then replaced the previous answers with my own. These sort of shortcuts are so fucking handy, but breed so much laziness, not that I should complain because I'm guilty of it myself.


There. Go to.

Not for Old Knudsen

Yes, it's another fucking Meme. People like Old Knudsen who don't like them can fuck off and get an antidote to this special brand of internet virus. Be warned. There will be another tomorrow. So don't look if you can't handle it.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

Not as easy as you might think...

1. Yourself: tired

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: scared

3. Your hair: hathair

4. Your mother/stepmother: indifferent

5. Your dog: nonexistant

6. Your favorite item: gel

7. Your dream last night: forgotten

8. Your favorite drink: beer

9. Your dream car: ute

10. The room you are in: studio

12. Your fear: embarrassment

13. What you want to be in 10 years: me

14. Who you hung out with last night: girl

15. What you're not: bagpipist

16. Muffin: depends

17: One of your wish list items: dick

18: Time: none

19. The last thing you did: yawn

20. What you are wearing: socks

21. Your favorite weather: warm

22. Your favorite book: fiction

23. The last thing you ate: curry

24. Your life: hectic

25. Your mood: horny

26. Your best friend(S): occupied

27. What are you thinking about right now? shagging

28. Your car: subaru

29. What are you doing at the moment?: breathing

30. Your summer: gone

31. Your relationship status: semisingle

32. What is on your TV?: speakers

33. What is the weather like?: fuckingcold

34. When is the last time you laughed?: today

Seperated at birth?

The lovely Queen of Everything Martini, Ms. Hedonistic Pleasureseeker posted this image of the carnage left by her daughter. Why have I stolen it to post here? Notice the kitty in the top right... And the look at the picture (taken some time ago, admittedly) below. I think my cat Juno may have a long lost twin.

Monday Melee

Bugger me, is it time for the Monday Melee already? One more week down.

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something you absolutely hate.
Not being organised. Not having things tidy and accessible. It causes me to go into a depressive state. I can handle mess to a certain extent and then I just snap, and it has to be cleaned and tidied now.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
Banquets at the local Chinese Restaurant. Last night's dinner gave us seven dishes at $15.50 a head. The minimum was four people, we had ten. No more on the dishes, but they got to charge us per head for the same amount. We should have asked fro two banquets for four poeple. But that would be stupid. It's just blatant profiteering on the restaurant's part and it sucks.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
The fact that it's Monday again already. Crap answer, but deal with it.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
Gayman, for hanging out my enormous load of washing that consisted mostly of socks and undies. For me, it's the most painful of all washing hanging experiences so I was glad to pass it on.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
My soup. I have a little personal thing that goes with soup - I have to share it. I make up a huge pot and then give most of it away. It's a friendly thing and I like to be able to give something I made to people I love.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I'm shallow and horny as all hell today. I wish for more sex.

Road Trip Pending

The mental list goes:

1. Toothbrush
2. Frisbee
3. Suit (for ball dance thingy I'm going to)
4. Clothes for tomorrow
5. Something to sleep in.

I think I have it covered.

Oh crap. Camera.

Censored.

Mike and Kat are currently in Vietnam and have informed me that they are blocked from reading my blog. They can't access Dive's blog either.

I did a little looking on Google. Only a little, too much has the potential to knock me out of the real world for hours with fifteen different windows open on fifteen different tangents unrelated to the original topic. Anyway I came across this from an article:

The regulations forbid "data that can affect national security, social order, and safety or information that is not appropriate to the culture, morality, and traditional customs of the Vietnamese people."

I occasionally post pictures of naked women and talk about being gay. Okay. But Dive posts pictures of Gargoyles and Spice Racks. What gives?

Five tips.

Welcome to my new housemate, Gayman. Here are five tips to tell if he's moved in with you:

1. You have a house plant sprouting from every half-bare surface.

2. There are roughly twice as many body products in the shower than I'd ever contemplate owning.

3. Boutique teas dominate the coffee cupboard.

4. Mother calls at 10:30pm to make sure everything is all right.

5. Belinda Carlisle's Summer Rain gets played with regularity.

Call for names

Three of us were walking home after a random night out. This is what we found in a park on the way. Names, anyone?

Is it Monday again?

Monday Melee means that yes, indeed, Monday has plopped into my lap once again.

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something you absolutely hate.
Washing. Yes, it's nice to have it all done but the process pisses me off. My quote to a friend (in jest) this weekend: I hate it. I need a wife.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
The new shopping centre in town. It opened Thursday to much hype and really just looks and feels like any other new shopping centre. It has the same shops that any other shopping centre has and really isn't that big. The really sad thing? It holds the first ever escalator that this town has seen.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
Having sore shoulders and not having anyone to massage them.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
The City Band director, for nominating me for the committee. Now I've got a bit more say in what goes on.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
I got my eyebrows waxed after leaving it for far too long yet again, and christ it makes a difference.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
School holidays, so I can have some spare time.

Answer to a challenge

I had my new flamingly gay flatmate take this shot. GayMan, would you be able to take some photos for me? Bad idea. Half an hour of "ooh that's hot" and "honey, you look evil in that one" later I was totally sick of the idea and should have gone with Dive's method of a self-timer shot from on top of the television.

Seeing the light

Student quote of the day:

"Oh hey, that's really easy since I actually practised it."

Pearls of wisdom for audience members

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a few bars! We musicians have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we tell you that we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims not to know your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a
monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law.

Feel free to yell AC/DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected
by their instrument, & only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is in the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream
your request & be sure to overemphasise the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound & the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine
played out of tempo.

Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will take this as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

The Monday Melee

Monday Melee time! The weekend is officially pronounced dead. Funeral is tomorrow, party is afterwards, supper provided.

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something you absolutely hate.
Kids that don't practise. You can't get away with winging it, you little shits. And like "I had no time" is a good excuse. Welcome to life, buddy. But you get your meals cooked for you, your washing done and you get cleaned up after.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
Cookie Dough KitKat bars. They sound fantastic. They're not.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
Doing the early fruit market shift, only because I can't slog into a bottle of wine of an evening/night and get away with it any more.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
My friend for giving me her washing machine out of storage, when she found out mine was unfixable. When I offered her money, she said no. So I'm cooking dinner for her tonight in thanks.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
I'm really happy at the moment. I'm so far from the depression of two years ago that I feel like the world's not just my oyster but I'm chewing it.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I don't know. Maybe a few extra hours sleep at night with no sacrifice to the content of the day?

Road Trip Part Six: Something for Kate

Road Trip Part Five: Wildlife, aka the "Make Mike Jealous" Post

First, I saw a Wedge-tailed Eagle. I stopped and watched for a while, but couldn't get any photos as it was too far away.

Then I nearly run over this big sucker:



This goanna was mighty pissed off that I disturbed his gravel tanning. Stopped his stalking away every now and then to look back at me and hiss.

Coming down the cutting pictured in the last post, actually just after I took that shot, a shadow passed over and I look up to see not one, but two Wedge-tails. They were closer, but my shots were crap.

Unfortunatley where there's roads, there's roadkill. I've never seen a wild wombat before. Even if it's dead.



More eagles not long after. Not one, not two, but five. They were all circling and almost looked like they were chasing each other around. Doing manoeuvres. I did get some clear shots, but they're pretty distant looking, so I'm not going to bother posting them.



Ok. This guy isn't wild. But he was so cool. He had a mouth ful of grass and dropped some on me reaching out to see who I was.

As if there hasn't been enough eagle jealousy for Mike in this post, but I had one one more eagle encounter. Wish you were there, Mike and Kat. I was driving along (as you do on a road trip) with a hill on my right about ten metres away. In my peripheral vision I see movement. Two Wedge-tails, level with my drivers side window and in between the hill and my car. I startled them so they started to take off. They were HUGE. I couldn't believe it! Their legs were so powerful. They weren't too graceful taking off but got away soon enough.

Road Trip Part Four: Encounters with Roads

I got parked in by a bunch of bikers while having breakfast. I had to go up and ask them who owned the BMW and could he please move it. He even felt the need to pilot me out of my space. Lovely, but I can drive, mate. I just didn't want to bust up the bike you so arrogantly placed right near my bumper.


I will own one of these one day. Cliche? Like I give a shit.

And then I'm off on the journey that will take me over 200km of dirt roads in varying states of repair. Many were along steep cuttings with evidence (huge fricking chunks of it) of rock falls, nearly all were narrow and winding, and none had any guard rails. Oh, and the occasional log truck. And yep, I loved every damn minute of it.

Except for the bit where I was going straight for a rare stretch, humming along, up over a rise and fuck there's a bend. Fighting the car out of fishtails for a good hundred metres settled me down a bit!

The sign cracks me up. The road was actually better after this point:



The views were incredible, everywhere.

Road Trip Part Three: Note To Self

Attn: Vic

A few matters need to be addressed before further "swag in back of car" camping trips are to be permitted.

1. Ensure adequate provision of toilet paper and/or tissues. "I forgot to bring any" is not an excuse.

2. "Here will do" is only permissible in relation to the positioning of the parked car when said car is level, and near shelter. The angle of the car is essential - no matter how often you may think you're tired enough to sleep through, you'll prove yourself wrong.


And here's where I woke up: